I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
