dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
40s are totally the cure
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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