return my video game
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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