look no pants
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
