Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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