Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
