you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
do nipples grow back?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
