If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
