I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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