Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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