At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
