There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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