It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I need moral support for this bender
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
