I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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