Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
