Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
