This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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