i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
