A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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