I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
