She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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