he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
