i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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