So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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