My underwear smells like fireworks.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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