I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
