so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
