..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
