Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
