Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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