Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
