Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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