Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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