____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
