thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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