Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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