Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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