i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
