I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
