that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
im holly from the hills drunk
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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