I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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