I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
birth control should be required to get into college
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
