I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
