Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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