I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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