hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We need to get me chipped asap
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