Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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