You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
