At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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