I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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