I met the friendliest cop last night
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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